Cheating spouses provide much of the work and income of most private
investigators, and every PI has developed his list of "tell tale signs
of a cheating spouse."




Here's a list derived (with permission) from articles by private
detectives Bob Brown and Edmund J. Pankau, and female private detective
Victoria Frelow of Scotland Yard Investigations (no, it's not that
Scotland Yard).




Note that though I've phrased these points in terms of the husband as
the cheater, most also apply when it's the wife who's cheating.







From Bob Brown --

1. At the beginning of an affair, the husband may actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings.
   
   
   
   


2. Later,
   after the affair has been going on awhile, he often starts finding
   fault with the wife as a defensive mechanism (i.e., to justify the
   affair in his mind).
   
   
   
   


3. Cheating
   husbands often lose interest in domestic activities, such as spending
   time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, etc.
   
   
   
   


4. Cheating husbands may have a change in sexuality (i.e., more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.
   
   
   
   


5. The
   cheater's relationship with his family will almost always change, that
   is, he will tend to become more distant, cold, or fault-finding (i.e.,
   he starts to blame the family, especially the wife, for his behavior).
   
   
   
   


6. Financial
   changes may become noticeable. The wife may notice unexplained credit
   card charges or withdrawals from the family's checking account.
   
   
   
   


7. Grooming
   habits change. A cheating husband may buy a new wardrobe or a lot of
   new clothes, or may just suddenly start to become more attentive to his
   personal appearance. The wife may notice frequent bathing, more careful
   grooming, a new cologne, a new exercise program, etc.
   
   
   
   


8. Physical
   clues to the affair may start appearing, such as lipstick on shirt
   collars, perfume odors on shirts or jackets, secretion stains on
   underwear. Or the wife may discover pieces of paper with notes or phone
   numbers, unexplained match books, receipts, condoms, etc.
   
   
   
   


9. The
   husband's driving pattern may change. The wife may find the car needs
   gas more often than before or she may monitor the car's odometer and
   find the husband is putting a lot of unexplained miles on the car.
   Brown recommends that suspicious wives keep track of the mileage on
   their husband's car and even monitor the time they leave for work and
   the time they come home. "Keep a calendar and note the times," he says.
   "This should help establish a pattern. If your mate claims to be
   working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime."
   
   
   
   


10. On
    occasion, the wife may notice her husband whispering into the phone. He
    may look alarmed when he sees her observing him and may hang up
    suddenly. There may be abrupt hang ups when she answers the phone
    herself. (Want to know who called? If you have touch tone dialing in
    most parts of the U.S. you can dial *69 to get the number.)
    
    
    
    


11. The
    wife may find unexplained, repetitive charges on her husband's mobile
    phone bill. Often these will be calls her husband made right after
    leaving home in the morning and right before coming home in the
    evening. According to Brown and most other PI's, the mobile telephone
    bill is one of the best ways to catch a cheating husband. The reason is
    that the bill for mobile services lists every single call made (unlike
    a bill for conventional phone services, which list only long distance
    charges). Thus, if you suspect your husband is cheating, and he doesn't
    have a mobile phone, it wouldn't be a bad idea to buy him one.
    
    
    
    

Brown comments that "Female cheaters are more
discreet in the selection of a lover. This is most likely because of
their concern about sexually transmitted diseases. Most females are
looking for a longer lasting relationship than a `one night stand.' In
past years men were the aggressors; in society today, with the increase
of women in the work force, women have become equally aggressive." He
also mentions that "When a female is having an affair she tends to have
more of a `glow' about her." (Presumably, when a guy is having an
affair, he doesn't have the glow.)






From Ed Pankau:





The following are possible indications of a cheating husband, says Ed Pankau

1. Hair gets longer
   
   
   
   


2. Clothes get flashier
   
   
   
   


3. Changes cologne
   
   
   
   


4. Boxer shorts become bikini underwear
   
   
   
   


5. Joins a health club
   
   
   
   


6. Starts a diet
   
   
   
   

Watch for any changes in his "pattern" of living, says Pankau; this can
alert you to the fact that a new partner or relationship has entered
his life. Among the specific changes to watch for :

1. He changes cologne, clothes, or switches from boxer shorts to bikini underwear.
   
   
   
   


2. His daily travel (driving) pattern changes
   
   
   
   


3. He becomes hard to reach at the office or on the road and starts coming home at unusual times
   
   
   
   


4. His spending patterns change; you find unexplained charges on credit card bills or phone bills (especially mobile phone bills).
   
   
   
   

If you become aware your husband is cheating you
should consider following up with targeted surveillance during
unaccountable times, advises Pankau. "Through the conduct of thousands
of divorce cases, I have found three main areas of investigation common
to these matters: background, financial, and child custody
investigations," he says. "Each of these investigations has a specific
goal and requires the proof of different facts."







From Victoria Frelow:




"There are several ways to recognize and catch a
disloyal partner," says Frelow. "It is usually discovered with a sudden
change in behavior. For example, your partner wants to go places alone,
or he or she doesn't show any true affection or have a sexual appetite.
Your partner stays out late with unexpected meetings, or receives pages
in the middle of the night. The home is inundated with strange phone
calls coupled with whispered conversations, or your partner suddenly
panics and hangs up the phone when you enter the room.





"Also be aware of any close platonic relationships.
Most friends will not approve of the cheater's ways but will remain very dependable.
Some friends will actually help the cheater get out of the home and will often provide an iron-clad alibi for the cheater.
Don't get upset or blame the friend for his/her part in the plan.
You must understand although it is difficult, that the cheater's buddy will assist the cheater out of loyalty.
This emotion usually stems from a long lasting or childhood friendship...




"What can we do to catch cheating spouses? First of all, the cheater
must not know that you suspect him/her. Although it is difficult, you
must still treat the cheater the same way as you did prior to
suspecting him/her of cheating. Give the cheater plenty of room to hang
himself/herself, don't try to interfere with the cheating behavior. If
you suspect the cheater is actually cheating at home while you're away,
make false plans to be away one weekend and stay at a local hotel. Park
down the street from your residence, then watch and wait. But before
you try some of these suggestions, make sure you are willing to accept
the consequences without violence. Have a plan as to what you intend to
do if your suspicions are indeed confirmed."





Frelow is very emphatic about the need to avoid violence in these situations at all costs.

"I cannot emphasize enough the importance of not resorting to physical violence," she says.




"You run the possibility of having criminal charges filed against you, an arrest record, possible jail time,
as well as a fine, which will only increase your pain. IT ISN'T WORTH IT!"

DIVORCE HQ Cheating Spouse

A very nice lenghtly article. It was very well writen and put together. The one thing you have to remember though is that if you notice a few of these signs it does not mean that your husband is cheating for sure.

As I read through it I noticed a few things that I do every now and again. I am no means cheating as I am a loyal husband. So this is just proof that you cannot just jump around thinking that your husband is cheating becuse a few of these things are happening.

If you suspect your husband is cheating hire a private investigator is do a little snooping of your own.

Some More Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

Signs of a Cheating Spouse

There are many signs of a cheating husband or wife, and most of them are the same for women and men. Here are some ways to tell if your spouse if having an affair. Note that many of these could also be a sign of something else.

Loss of interest in you

• They lose interest in sexual intercourse. You stop having sex, or have sex less often.

• Their sexual behavior or interest changes, e.g. they want to try new positions or ask new questions.

• The sex does not feel intimate. They might actually be feeling guilty about cheating on their lover when they have sex with you.

• Sex does not last as long. They may become tired more easily. Men might ejaculate more quickly, or have trouble getting or keeping an erection. Women might fake an orgasm to get it over with. (This could also be a sign of frequent masturbation, which is not unusual.)

• They act distant. Your intimacy level goes down.

• They won't touch, kiss or hold you as much.

• They don't say "I love you" as often.

• They tell you you are unattractive.

• They sleep on the couch instead of with you. It becomes more like they are your roommate instead of your spouse.

Suspicious statements and reactions

• They accidentally call you another name.

• They say something about a person hitting on them, but say they turned them down.

• They cannot look you in the eyes, or somehow seem to act or behavior in a guilty manner.

• They are quicker to argue or rage. They have mood and attitude swings.

• If you ask them whether they are having an affair, they are surprisingly aggressive about the question.

Special interest in appearance and personal grooming

• They buy new clothes.

• They were new clothes, sexy outfits, or their favorite underwear.

• They use cologne/perfume.

• They make themselves look beautiful just to go somewhere casual.

• They spend more time looking in the mirror, or doing their hair and make-up.

• They start trimming their pubic hair.

Unexplained time away

• They keep making excuses to go out and when they do they are gone longer than normal, e.g. a trip to the store for some milk takes an hour.

• They suddenly have to go somewhere, e.g. the store, gym, gas station. That may be a sign that they are meeting him or her.

• They frequently call to tell you they will be home late, e.g. they are helping out a friend, their truck broke down.

• They develop new interests that do not involve the family.

• They disappear at unexplained or unusual times.

• They are strangely inaccessible or unreachable at times.

• They tell you they will be home late, or need to spend more time at work.

• They claim to be doing overtime at work, but their checks get no larger.

• They take long lunch or dinner meetings.

• If you ask if you can meet them outside their work, they prefer you do not. (A lot of affairs start at the office.)

Unusual telephone behavior

• Someone from the opposite sex calls that you never heard off. Perhaps they say it is a business call.

• They hang up the phone when you come close.

• They have a lot of short phone calls.

• They never let anyone else answer the phone.

• There are unexplained phone numbers on the cell phone statement or phone bill.

• They have the phone bill go paperless and only they can access the online statements.

• There are unusual incoming, missed, or outgoing calls on their phone. There are numbers or names you don't recognize.

• They do not answer the phone when you call.

• They turn off their cell phone when they are out with friends.

Changes in behavior or lifestyle

• Eating new foods.

• There are unsual changes in their routines or habits.

• They want to be with their "guy friends" or "girl friends" more often. For example, a cheating man might say "Oh yeah, the guys and I are going to go watch the football game. Why don't you go out with your girlfriends or something?" If you want to go with them they make excuses.

• They go a few days without showering at home but seem to have showered.

Signs from the car

• They are using more gas.

• The mileage in their car is too high. Check the mileage for them to and from work. Is there a lot of unexplained mileage?

• They want you to wait while they clean out their car before you get in it.

• There are two empty cups or containers for food for more than one person in their car.

• The music stations in their car have changed.

Money

• Money is unaccounted for (this could also be drugs).

• You find receipts for items you've never seen.

• There are unexplained charges on credit card bills.

Here is some more input and advice from people who have been cheated on:

• If you know that they cheated on people they were with before you, the chances are much higher that they will cheat on you.

• Unfortunately, the "signs" aren't that obvious nor are they that reliable. If he/she is doing it "right", you won't be able to tell unless you catch him/her in the act. In general, if you're the type of person that tries to keep life interesting for your spouse, you'll minimize the potential, but you can't eliminate the possibilitty no matter what you do. Some people tend to cheat no matter what their home life is like. Were they cheating on someone else when they met you? If so, it's probably an established behavior pattern. If your spouse is the type of person who can be trusted in other areas of life you might have a good reason to trust him in marriage. After all, marriage is about trust and commitment.

• Note that if your spouse isn't cheating and you're constantly being suspicious and questioning everything, you might just drive him/her into being unfaithful.

• If you believe they're different now, then take the time and think of a plan to investigate them on your own.

• If you have a gut instinct that they are cheating, 9 out of 10 times you are right. That feeling is there for a reason and if I were you I would check it out. Be careful though, you don't want it to be your own insecurity and be wrong. That will screw things up because then he will know that you don't trust him.

• The heart knows. Don't let your mind talk you out of it. There are a lot of signs of cheating.

• Be patient. Don't let them know you suspect them. Plan what to do if they really are cheating on you or lying to you. Be prepared to leave them. No matter how ugly, fat, worthless, or horrible lover you think you are in your mind you will always feel that way if you stay there and don't listen to your gut insticts and the hard evidence. Self esteem is how well you trust yourself. If you know someting is going on, and deny it is happening you aren't trusting yourself and your self-esteem will be low. Remember somebody will love you no matter what you look like. There is always someone out there who thinks you are a 10.

• A spouse often cheats with someone close to both of you, e.g. a neighbor, friend, or even a family member of yours. Are they especially close to someone of the opposite sex?

How can you tell if your spouse is cheating

This is another set of signs to look out for when you think your spouse may be cheating. Remember to keep in mind that just beacuse one or more of these things are happening does not mean your spouse is cheating for sure.

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